Day 553

Pink Floyd - Time


7/21/2008

taken : 7/21/2008

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drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself.

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(this will be a long post. be prepared.)
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An Epiphany. In two parts

(both aided by the internet)


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Part I

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On Sunday I was sitting around preparing the print I was to trade Amber when Katya got on AIM. Katya moved away last year after she graduated. She currently resides in Barcelona. We talk frequently, and have been trying to set up a Skype date for some time, but it never quite connected.

But alas, Sunday morning was a good time, so we Skyped.

I wont go over the finer details of our discussion (mostly because it is the type of endearing drivel only two good friends could engage in and feel good about) but she said something rather interesting to me. I was telling stories and what not and she said, "Mark, I have no idea who any of the people are in your life anymore."

And it's true.

But that isn't all that odd. When I originally moved in with Katya (and Kait) in the fall of 2005 I pretty much spent time with my then girlfriend, Leigh, and my dear and good friend, Nick...Gordon factored in there somewhere...but he was still an asshole at the time, so we can set him aside for this discussion.

...anyways...

September of 2005 marked the end of my relationship with Leigh. And basically, most of my human contact for a long time. I was very sad during those times, and realized I pretty much had no friends. This is still not all that odd though...during freshman year I was largely a loner, and when I met Leigh I ended up spending all of my time with her...

...but, the point is...when I lived with Katya I was mostly alone. I really did nothing. So it is no surprise she doesn't know anyone that is in my life right now.


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shuffle

~

A year after that break-up I started to open up to people again. Again, I wont meddle in specifics here because I would rather not...but needless to say, Katya and I had moved to other places, and I started to meet people again.

From then till now I had worked on making various groups of friends (which I keep separate most of the time).

...and well... thats it really. I have made a lot of good friends over the past couple years.


~

Shuffle

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Part II

(talking shit about Boulder)


Today I was talking to Scott off handedly about living in Boulder. Mostly because Scott is now back in Boulder. I all of a sudden just blurted something out, "I am fucking sick of being in Boulder right now." It is hard to say how much I actually mean that, but part of me is even the slightest sick of living in Boulder.

During the days of my break-up '05 -'06 I had thought greatly about transferring away from Boulder. I wanted to leave totally and go out of state. It was on my mind a lot, and I felt like I gave it a go here, but things just weren't working out here, and that I should try some place else.

But I stayed.

...

But today I realized something. I only sort of like my life in Boulder. Why do I stay someplace that I only sort of like? What is keeping me really? And it was really hard to come up with things that would keep me here or Colorado in general. I have to hope that college will not be the best days of my life. I have only sort of enjoyed college and my life in Boulder. Sure, I have had some great amazing times...but the down time far outweighs the up times...and I have to wonder about that...

In short, I felt like I don't have much keeping me here. If I moved away there is not a whole lot I would miss greatly.


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(A side note)

I mentioned the whole deal with my friends because well...obviously my friends (and family) mean a lot to me. I love all of my friends (and family) a lot, and would miss them. I can't stress enough that I am not disregarding all of my friendships.

BUT

It is interesting. Most of my friends see this blog more than they see me. So if I moved would that really even make that big of a difference? How different would it be? I try a lot to see my friends, but it seems lately more often than not things don't materialize. I can't control that, it is just the way it is. I am now indifferent to it.

But really...it seems like most people know what is going on in my life not because I spent some time with them...but because they checked my blog before they went to bed or some shit like that.

And thats fine.

But there is something still missing from my life I feel like.

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(A mention of The Wine Club)


Last fall and spring semester I ended up making a lot of good friends as a result of the infamous alcohol club I started fall of 2007. It had started when a handful of the students from foundations semester 2 gathered at my house one night to drink some wine before a visiting artist lecture we were to go to. It was then the wine club started. The goal was to sample different wines every week. Eventually it spiraled into alcohol club...and well...here is the truth.

I was still at the point in my life where I had a handful of good friends that I would see only once a month or so. We would get together, explain everything that was going on in our lives...and then do it all again a month later.

Alcohol club was an attempt for me to start a routine of the same friends seeing each other at least once a week. Same day, same time, same routine. Thursday night rolled around...club tonight. I thought it would be nice to have that kind of consistency.

The weeks rolled by and meetings got to be bigger and grander. I started funding and running the raffles. I did this because I like being nice and sharing with people. I liked seeing my friends get excited for winning the raffle. I just liked being around happy people. But time passed more and more and I realized there was something still missing.

That may be totally selfish but it's how I felt. It's hard to put my finger on, but alcohol club was no longer what I had set out to make. Something was strange...so I dropped it. We haven't a club meeting in quite sometime.


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The point is. I love my friends. But something is still missing from my life. I am a solitary person. I tried the big group thing...but something still feels gone. I have to question if this is all my life is meant to be? Is this all there is? Just tooling around Boulder my whole life?

My epiphany was:

I have nothing that is keeping me here.


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Again, I love my friends, and they do keep me here...but there must be something else out there.

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What did keep you here Mark?

Good question. My friends and family obviously...but there is one factor that trumps all.


But I wont mention it here (if ever).

Regardless, it is fucking stupid, but that's what emotions do to people.

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I am so fickle that all my feelings about this could change tomorrow, or next week...or 5 minutes from now. But as of right now, I feel that after I get my degree, I will probably peace the fuck out of Boulder.

It's hard to say to where...or if I might just end up back in Colorado somewhere...but I have to see what else is out there.

Before it's too late.



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Or who knows...maybe I will spend my whole life here....
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hmmm...what else about my day.

Work.

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Silvia called me.


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the end.